Last week was a hard week. This week is a hard week. I imagine next week is going to be a hard week.
While many have heard our news I know that there are also many of you who haven’t. Last week Em had a miscarriage and we lost our baby. She was 16 weeks along. At this point we don’t know many of the details, but from what we can gather the baby had stopped developing and the heartbeat was lost. I believe in time we will know more.
I know many people are grieving with us, and I just wanted to write a simple update on how we are doing.
Physically Emily is doing very well. She was able to go through this experience without surgery or a D&C so for that we are very grateful. We know many women who walk through miscarriage also have to go through deep physical pain and our hearts ache for them. As we have shared our news we have realized how many people in our friends and family have also walked through miscarriage. There is a comfort in knowing we don’t walk this road alone, though we wish that no one would ever have to walk it. Knowing many others have experienced miscarriage doesn’t make the hurt diminish, but rather it wrenches me that such pain has entered so many people’s lives that we love. I don’t think I understood the heartache attached to losing a baby…no matter how far along someone is. For all who have lost children at any stage of pregnancy, know how deeply we love you and are heartbroken for what you have suffered.
One of our greatest concerns was processing this with Jacob. We weren’t sure how his little 4 year old heart was going to be able to respond. He was very excited for this new brother or sister. We know that we will have processing still to do with him in the future, but he is doing really well. At the end of our conversation he just looked at us and said, “I think God is going to give a new baby in Mommy’s tummy.” What a sweet sweet boy we have.
Yeah…I don’t really feel like talking about it if I were honest. We’re sad. We’re so sad. Last night Emily and I just laid in bed and felt the void. But you know what that’s OK. Being broken and doing terrible are two totally different things and as followers of Jesus this is something we must understand. In the middle of the void the presence of Jesus has filled up the empty space. It doesn’t take the emptiness away, but rather reminds us that we serve the God who suffers with His people. We love the Jesus who comes closer than suffering. We know the God who has suffered death. And He lives. And we live with Him. And this little child lives with Him.
This is not our cliché belief. This is not what we tell ourselves to try to numb the pain. This is our deepest belief and conviction. We serve the God who lives and holds the lives that are lost. We believe in resurrection and that heaven is here and coming. We believe Jesus came to rob death of its power and we can taste and experience the evidence of His victory. Resurrection has consumed my being and nothing sways us from our declaration that Jesus is alive and those who believe in Him though they die will they truly live. He is our hope.
In all things.
He is our hope. Nothing can shake us from His foundation. He sits with us in our suffering. He is strong enough to handle my anger. My spectrum of emotions does not shake my Father. He is good and true and kind and loving and in Him I place my life. I will never stop declaring such things.
I’m sad. Em’s sad. We’re hurting, frustrated, lonely, tired and sad. And Jesus is King. And I’m at peace with both.
Thank you to everyone who has reached out. We are amazed that six months into Atlanta we have the family and friends around us that we do. Maybe Jesus really knew what he was doing when he created the church to be the light to the world. I’ll finish with a verse I’ve read every day since my friend Jon sent it to me. Keep praying for us, and keep praying for Atlanta. Our beautiful city needs to know that Jesus is alive.
“Don’t be afraid. I am the first and the last and I am the Living One. I was dead, but look! Now I am alive forever and always. I have the keys of Death and the Grave.” – Jesus